The Real John Kautman Sr
Originally written January 14, 2023 on Instagram
I grew up with my father completely dependent on marajuana. He would smoke every few hours. He was physically there for us, but utterly emotionally vacant. He is a high level narcissist and we constantly had to walk on eggshells around him. He was physically strong, authoritarian, head of the household... but emotionally he was a child, fraile and codependent.
His moods would swing wildly. It was very confusing as a child. We were happy to see him when he got home from work, but if he had a bad day he would be angry, we would get the silent treatment, and he would go in the back yard and smoke. I would usually smell it before realizing where he was and what he was doing.
His eyes were almost always bloodshot and he kept a bottle of Visine with him. But I could instantly tell when he was high. The sad part is, I like my high father better than my sober father. When he was high he was what most people would consider a "normal guy". He was happy, charming, cracking jokes, playing with us in the backyard, and a decent dad. At least for a short amount of time. After a couple hours, his mood would change 180 and he again returned to the father I feared.
The side of drugs that most people don't hear about is its effects on their children. Once I turned around 10 years old I was starting to get a real understanding of drugs and I was terrified every single day that the cops would show up one day and take my dad to jail.
I remember one time, but it happened many many times, once I got a little older, 14 and up, when we went on longer road trips (2 hours or more) we would be driving on the highway and my dad would tell me to hold the wheel and keep the truck steady. He would load his pipe and smoke it with all of us in the car.
He would take the whole family to buy marajuana too. We would wait in the truck and he would walk over to the dealers vehicle, complete the transaction and come back. I watched it every single time, hoping that he wouldn't get caught.
I was often concerned why he was still spending money on marajuana when we "didn't have any money" to spend on other things.
Growing up around marajuana meant I absorbed highly inappropriate things about paraphernalia, how to separate the seeds from the leaf, the difference in smell from good/bad marajuana, how to roll a joint, safest way to hide/store it, etc.
And in case you are curious whether I ever tried marajuana myself, no. I HATED it, I hated everything about it, but most importantly I hated that my dad needed it.
My words above are my perceptions, opinions and experiences alone.
#supportvictimsofdomesticviolence #helpendchildabuse #exposingfamilycults #exposingfamilydarkness #narcissist