Cold, Scared, Traumatized

Originally written January 15, 2023 on Instagram

One of my earliest memories is from around one year old. I was malnourished, my mother hardly fed me because she was off her face on multiple things. You might ask, how do you know you were only one year old? I smell it, with that memory comes the horrific smell of alcohol and other drugs - as do almost all of my memories growing up. Alcohol, marajuana, vomit, different chemicals burning.
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We were living in a trailer in Camp Verde, Az. I am crying for what felt like forever, I was in my crib in nothing but a diaper, which had not been changed all day. It was heavy and smelly, it was practically falling off of me. I was starving, my mom was nowhere to be found and my dad was outside with a neighbor drinking. I could hear them talking outside, that's why I am crying, I need help.
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Instead of help, I am met with a father that stumbles into the room, reeking of alcohol and very upset that I will not stop crying. He forces his p*nis in my mouth saying "this will shut you up". I was stunned, in shock, I couldn't breathe. When he was done he dropped me back into the crib (literally) and I laid there scared, unable to move or make any sounds. Absolutely traumatized.
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I feel like my entire childhood in my family cult was a training, to keep me quiet, never share the family secrets, which were all sick and vile as what happened above. Which I will continue to share and speak out about.
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The thing about s*xual abuse it that the victim is the one who often feels terrible, but the person inflicting the abuse.
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My words above are my perceptions, opinions and experiences alone.
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#supportvictimsofdomesticviolence #helpendchildabuse #lianashanti #exposingfamilycults #exposingfamilydarkness #narcissist