Text Messages 2015
Originally written January 18, 2023 on Instagram
In 2015 I confronted my father, John Kautman Sr, telling him I had memories of the sexual abuse by his hands. He denied it, as I thought he would. He is a narcissist. When you confront a narcissist about anything they have done wrong, they always make it about them, how they are feeling. As you can see in the text messages, he can't eat, sleep, or think... there was no concern for how I was feeling, I was distraught and crying on the phone with him the day before. There was no, are you OK? Let me know when you are ready to talk. Or even an, I love you. It was only him, freaking out because the truth had been exposed.
I reiterated what I told him the day before on the phone. I needed space to process all of this. I knew only two things at that time...
1. I had to have strong boundaries. I felt like my world was crashing down, everything I had ever known, I needed time and space - to heal and grieve. I had not decided at that point in time whether I was going to cut ties permanently or not, but I knew it might be a possibility so I needed to be stern.
2. I had to trust myself over any other human on the planet. I couldn't let any other voices in my head. My teacher, Liana Shanti, talked about that a lot back then. More so about every decision you make, trust yourself. This was a huge decision I was making, confronting him about the abuse. Most people never confront their abusers.
But what really hurt the most back then was the line "you saw and remembered what you wanted". Tell me, what child WANTS their father to be an abuser??? Its the complete opposite, the child relies on the parent for love, care, and support 100%. The child accusing the parent as being the abuser would actually be the child putting themselves INTO harms way, not keeping them safe from it. What child would do that? Back in 2015, his comment actually pissed me off, I was just starting the grieving process. That's why I fired back with sarcasm and anger. Now, I see so clearly that all of his replies are typical narc replies.
I had never spoken to him like that before. I actually RARELY cussed back then, because I played the roll of the "good girl" in my family cult. He knew that when I told him to leave me the fuck alone, I meant it with every single fiber of my being. And I had a bad temper back then too.
This was also the very last time I communicated with him. As I said in my last post, I also confronted my mother because I know she knew about the abuse and did absolutely nothing. She also denied it when I confronted her. After a few months of weird, awkward, shallow, random small talk, I also cut contact with her and every single other family member, and I have not spoken to any of them since.
My words above are my perceptions, opinions and experiences alone.
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#supportvictimsofdomesticviolence #helpendchildabuse #lianashanti #exposingfamilycults #exposingfamilydarkness #narcissist