My Father Is A Racist
My journey of healing started back in mid 2015. I started having dreams and flash backs of horrible things that happened in my childhood. I saw them, I felt them, and it felt like my life was hung in suspension of heart crushing pain and constant gut punches. I felt alone, afraid of everything, and not sure how to keep living.
I shared with my mom what I saw and been re-experiencing. She flat out denied it, but she also said “I rarely left you alone with your father because it didn’t feel right.” So in one breath she said “no that never happened” and in the very next breath she admitted she knew something was going on. Because of her own wounding and denial, to admit she knew or that she married someone who would sexually abuse his own child, she chose an abuser over her child.
That decision was a catalyst for me cutting contact with both my mother and my father, since 2016. I say this because in the last 10 years I have seen a lot of really shitty things I endured as a child. And I have also healed a lot as well. However, today as I finished listening to Liana Shanti’s Illuminations, a memory I buried SO deep - resurfaced.
It felt like a heavy weight pressing on my chest, making it difficult to breathe while I sat there sobbing, as I replayed the memories and instances one by one.
You see, my father is a racist. I knew it from a very young age, before I even knew what racism was. I knew he called people with dark skin the “N” word, before I knew that word was derogatory.
One day, he was upset at us for something and said “if you don’t knock it off, I am going to go live with my other family.” I remember that feeling being like someone pulling a rug out from under me. I was crying from the threat of my father leaving us for another family.
That right there, knowing what I know now, triggered a deep abandonment wound, and deepened my already existing father wound. But he didn’t just say it once. It became his main threat throughout my childhood. As I got a little older and the threat lost its heaviness, he changed it to “I am going to go live with my other family, who are black.”
Because all I knew growing up was his derogatory remarks and name for black people (and other terms for other races) I thought black people were bad, or not as good as white people. For a child, it was very simple. So when he threatened to go live with his black family, that cut even deeper.
Not only was he going to abandon us, but go to a black family. The psychological damage being caused by this manipulation was not surface level. It cut DEEP. Like so deep that the memory of it had to be buried where it should never be found again. Just as he would have liked it, so he would never have to talk about the damage being caused, nor take responsibility for being a terrible father.
To his dismay, I am no longer (and haven’t for a while) playing along with the family secret keeping. Hence this website, where his terrible words, manipulations, abuses, drug use, and general shitty actions are aired for the world to see.
Why? Because Jesus.
You see, almost all of my 43 years, ALL the really dark things he did and said, I internalized. Believing he did them because I WAS BAD. No more, in fact, FUCK THAT, not today Satan, not ever again.
He is the bad one, the narcissist, the abuser and pedophile. Not me.
And my mom is the abuser and pedo supporter.
Those are FACTS.
Today, when these memories came flooding back, I felt them moving through my entire body, the grief, the abandonment, the betrayal. But instead of internalizing it, I felt it completely and released it from my body, transmuting it into light. And I reminded myself that I AM unconditionally loved, and I AM unconditional love. What he did to me had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with him.
It was Jesus who has been with me my entire life, always loving me unconditionally, always supporting me. Never punishing, never manipulating. Simply reminding me that I AM a child of God. I AM worthy of everything amazing, just because I was born onto this Earth. And that I am a soul in a human body.
10 years later, I thank GOD and JESUS that I had the courage to remove them from my life back then, permanently.
The words above are mine only and they are also my perceptions, my opinions and my experiences alone.
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#supportvictimsofdomesticviolence #helpendchildabuse #exposingfamilycults #exposingfamilydarkness #narcissist #jesus