Why Do Girls Exist?
There’s certain memories that I wish I never had. They come back to me randomly. The interesting this is that I can see them through two different lenses. Through my childhood eyes where I can feel all the feelings I had when I recall the situation or experience. As well as myself now.
This gives me the unique perspective to not only re-experience the trauma as my child self, but also see how fucked up the situation really was. However, its not just a memory. I am blessed with a photographic memory, so I SEE it all as well when it recall it. I also relate a lot of things to smells that I smelled at the time of the experience or trauma. It somehow makes the recall and memory retrieving process extremely strong, as though I am there and experiencing it all over again.
On one hand this is handy to have because with positive things, I get to relive joyful positive experiences. On the other hand, my life is riddled with trauma and abuse. And no matter how young I was, I feel them again when I recall them.
For instance, the scent that an obese person gives off which is a musty and yeasty smell from the skin between the fat rolls and it gets stronger when they don’t shower. That smell brings me back to my grandfather Allen Randolph, who would molest me and who raped me when I was three years old.
Or the smell of alcohol, either wafting in the air of a restaurant or on someones breath, brings me back to him as well. That’s one of the main reasons I never touched alcohol. It brings back memories of abuse and trauma.
Today while I was journaling, I was just free writing and being open to anything that came up as I was feeling a little down. A lot of themes of not feeling worthy were coming up, so I decided to dig a little deeper and see what exactly was there.
The above memory came into my awareness of molestation and rape from my grandfather. I smelled the alcohol, the obese yeast scent. I felt the weight of his body and the fear as I knew he was approaching. But most importantly, I heard the things he told me while he was doing those vile things.
“This is the only thing girls are good for.”
“Girls are here for men, to do whatever they want to them.”
“Girls don’t have any feelings or rights.”
“All girls are bad, they all have to be punished.”
That is why the men in my family hurt and abused me, including my father. There is actually a more disgusting reason about my father, but I’ll tell that story another day.
I’ve spent the last 42 years of my life believing all of the above things. That’s part of the reason why I cried and felt my life was ruined when I started my period at 11 years old. Why I went through a lengthily tom-boy era in my teens. I didn’t want to be a girl so men didn’t hurt me any more. I believed every fucking word the abusers told me. Of course I did, I was a child and they told me they loved me and were supposed to protect me - NOT harm me.
I spent the vast majority of my life carrying on their beliefs. I self sabotaged, self punished, and thought I was a worthless piece of shit. Zero self esteem. Believed I was stupid and very unintelligent. I sat back watching the people around me making things of themselves, like my brother. I would always ask myself, why does he get to have success but I don’t? The only reason I could come up with was because I was a girl and he was a boy.
The worst part about that was that my mom and grandma allowed it all to happen, played the subservient role, knew their children and grandchildren were being abused but did NOTHING about it. I would be lying if I said that didn’t piss me off. But I also get it, because its a pattern that has been going on for generations and generations on both sides of my family history. Its prominent is different parts of the world as well, even here right in the USA.
But I can guarantee you right now, all that shit stops right here and right now - with this website and blog. The weak people in my family will not determine how I feel about myself, nor my present and future. Not only am I not playing that game, but I have removed my piece from the board and flipped the whole fucking board over.
The secrets you thought were safe because of your fear mongering and threats to a child, are no longer safe. This website and blog are dedicated to making sure of that.
So, brace yourself. Because you pedophiles and abusers and going to have your dirty secrets exposed to anyone and everyone who finds them publicly here on the internet.
God Bless America.
The words above are mine only and they are also my perceptions, my opinions and my experiences alone.
.
.
.
#supportvictimsofdomesticviolence #helpendchildabuse #exposingfamilycults #exposingfamilydarkness #narcissist #jesus